Eddie S.G. - The Free Fall

The Free Fall, Rewind (Part 1), Just Saying III, Rewind (Part 2), Twice A Day, It Is What It Is, Rewind (Part 3), & Human: Faith & Religion
Written, recorded, edited, & mixed by Eddie S. Gonzalez (ASCAP)
Produced by Eddie S.G. (ASCAP)

I Am Nobody
Written, recorded, edited, & mixed by Eddie S. Gonzalez (ASCAP)
Produced by Eddie S.G. (ASCAP)
Additional vocals by Jonathon Clarke

Passenger Side Window, Canvas, Don't Love Me, & Forget
Written, recorded, edited, & mixed by Eddie S. Gonzalez (ASCAP)
Produced by Demaeron Effect (ASCAP) in Tamaqua, PA & Tampa, FL at TFPS Studios

Even Though (Feat. Lee Ranghell)
Written, recorded, edited, & mixed by Eddie S. Gonzalez (ASCAP)
Charlton Rangel's vocals recorded by Charlton Rangel in Miami, FL at TFPS Studios
Produced by Eddie S.G. (ASCAP)

M.S.V.
Written, recorded, edited, & mixed by Eddie S. Gonzalez (ASCAP)
Produced by Eddie S.G. (ASCAP)
Samantha Sugarman's vocals recorded by Samantha Sugarman in Buffalo, NY
Additional vocals by Ki's Garden

All songs published by The Forward Progress Sound (ASCAP)
All songs recorded in Tamaqua, PA at TFPS Studios, except where indicated
All songs mastered by Landr Mastering & Eddie S.G.

Demaeron Effect (Eddie S.G. & Raymond Schellhorn) appears courtesy of The Forward Progress Sound
Lee Ranghell appears courtesy of The Forward Progress Sound
Ki's Garden (Samantha Sugarman) appears courtesy of herself
Jonathon Clarke appears courtesy of himself

Executive Producer: Eddie S.G.
Drawings & album artwork by Eddie S.G.

This album is dedicated to Jerry Jaquez. Rest in peace bro.

The Free Fall
Next year drops The Free Fall

At my zenith, looking down
Left or right, no one around
10 toes, on the edge
Peaking over the ledge
Should I stay, or should I go?
I'm so high, feeling solo
& I'm so low, I quit
Don't try to talk me out of it

Should I stay, or should I go?
I'm so high, feeling solo
& I'm so low, I quit
Don't try to talk me out of it

Stay back
Don't try to take this from me
Don't try to take this from me
Don't take this from me

This is it for me, I'm done
Life 1, me none
Time to move on, I'm over it
Leave it all behind, I'm tired of it
Heart running, a marathon
You won't notice, when I'm gone
Gave you all of me & you ignore
So you won't care when I hit the floor

Heart running, a marathon
You won't notice, when I'm gone
Gave you all of me & you ignore
So you won't care when I hit the floor

What's done is done
This is my free fall
This is my free fall
This is it
-------------------------------------------------------------

I Am Nobody
You don't hear me
You don't see me, here
You don't need me
You don't want me, here
'Cause I am nobody
I am nobody, at all
I am nobody
I am nobody, at all

When I tell you how I feel, you call it complaining
When I keep it to myself, it can be so draining
There is no peace, either way I move
So I have to deal with how you disapprove
Going through the motions, eating my emotions
Hearing the commotion, somewhere in the ocean
Like I am an island, no real connection
In the middle of a crowd, total isolation
Steady talking at me, instead of with me
Can't agree or agree to disagree
My words fall on deaf ears, then disappear
I question if I'm even here
Always on the phone, but never when I call
Might as well not be here at all
I don't want to fight, I'm a take a hike
Never right, make me feel like

You don't hear me
You don't see me, here
You don't need me
You don't want me, here
'Cause I am nobody
I am nobody, at all
I am nobody
I am nobody, at all

You blame me for everything, it's all my fault
You stay guilt free, while I endure assault
No appetite to argue, so I lose the case
You make me feel like a total waste of space
Like I'm just something you use & throw away
You don't think highly of me, so why stay?
Too much time wasted, not enough liquor
Like I always chased it, but it was always quicker
Make me so angry that I want to cuss
Out me in front of friends, throw me under the bus
Like it's all fun for you, & what hurts
You look back & throw it in reverse
Now it's all irrelevant, it will all shatter
When it hits the floor, what I believe doesn't matter
'Cause I'm unwanted & worthless wrapped in itself
You make me want to kill myself

You don't hear me
You don't see me, here
You don't need me
You don't want me, here
'Cause I am nobody
I am nobody, at all
I am nobody
I am nobody, at all
-------------------------------------------------------------

Rewind (Part 1)
I wish I could take a step back
Hit pause, then rewind, bring it back

I just want to be a kid for the first time
Like that feeling, when you ink your first rhyme
That excitement & joy when everything is new
Helps you forget about what you've been through
I cherish those moments, pockets of time
When I wasn't sad, where things seem fine
How can I grab those, stretch them out?
Make them last longer before I checkout
Thinking back on grandma singing in the kitchen
When moms was chill, before there was friction
What can I do to bring that back, just how it was
Just those, only those, quick hit pause
'Cause I was sneaking out the window, well after dark
I felt safer sleeping in the park
Homeless for a few days, nowhere to go
Crept into those good times when I was low

I wish I could take a step back
Hit pause, then rewind, bring it back
-------------------------------------------------------------

Passenger Side Window
I just ride on the passenger side looking out the window
As I escape all I know
Like when I moved in with you, became a stepchild
Few highs, many lows, then exiled
You preach love but I see anger
Read any sacred book, that's not the answer
You would walk around the house short fused
Then be kind around others, I was so confused
Used to hit me like a grown man
Beat me up til I felt less than
Wrapped your hands around my neck
No respect, lifted me off the deck
Hit me with the belt buckle, sent me to bed
I stayed up 'cause everything was red
Wished I could lock the door & melt the key
Hm, hm, that's not how it's supposed to be

You tried putting clips in my hair when I had a 'fro
Then got mad when I said no
Got up in my face, asking what I'm gonna do
Like you wanted to fight, pushing me to hit you
I wish I recorded it when you wild out
Every time you'd shout, there'd be no doubt
Show all my pain, show all I've heard
Show the threats on my life, every word
Made me feel like lamb to the slaughter
Made me feel like you wanted another daughter
Must be adopted 'cause I can't relate
Don't understand his train of thought, wait
So I can get off before the next stop
I can't do anything right, right pop?
When I try to spread my wings, you take aim
Some call it tough love, this ain't the same

You're the reason I don't think I'm good enough
Or think I'm doing enough, even though I'm tough
You're the reason I hit myself when I mess up
I'm only scared of myself when I blowup
Like you, but that's not who I want to be
Forced to be grown, be a better me
Never felt at home, got kicked out
Before I finished high school but ain't dropout
I had nowhere to go, I was pushed away
17 years old, 8 months, 3 days
Your wife did that, but you let it happen
So there was no need to ever come back again
That's the reason why I don't call or visit
No desire to look back on it, that's it
I'm not asking for anything from you, I survive
Strong enough to move on without you, dead or alive
-------------------------------------------------------------

Canvas
Ripped from my roots, displaced
Dealing with domestic violence in my face
Forced to move, flushing to Queens Vil'
Trading one hell for another will test your will
So will I die or stay alive?
As a teen, made a choice to survive
'Cause the time was now, not never
Left New York altogether
Left people I grew up with behind
No goodbyes, so unkind
Never been good at keeping in touch
& for that, I hate myself so much
Introverted, so deserted
But I deserve it, yeah I hurted
Man, I missed ya everyday
Need a do-over to wipe it all away

Distant memories, connections broke
Like running out of paint at the end of a brush stroke
Wish I could go back, back to that time
Color in the pitch black, redraw the missed time
Brush strokes on a canvas
Brush strokes on a canvas

Several years past & I came back
It felt like every step was a throwback
But when I saw their faces in the street
Like strangers, I felt detached, incomplete
Like it was just a dream & I was a ghost
Laughing about it when I woke up like a roast
Never really reconnected, it's a shame
I see them on online but it's not the same
Knew them as kids, now they have kids
They don't know what I went through or what I did
But it's good to see them doing well
When I'm thumbing through their pictures, I can tell
What would've been different if I stayed?
Which girls would I've dated? who'd throw shade?
Who'd have been my boy, not a no-show?
Would I even be alive? we'll never know

I would have done a lot of things different
A lot of things
Even if it meant losing my life
-------------------------------------------------------------

Even Though
Even though I smile when I hurt
I still feel the pain they assert
Forced to keep the pieces together
I smile knowing pain is forever
I smile knowing pain is forever
I smile knowing pain is forever
I smile knowing pain is forever
I smile knowing pain is forever

I don't want to look anymore
I don't want to look anymore
I don't want to look anymore
I don't want to look anymore

Everyday is like this
I wake up pissed
Inside I collide
Even though I tried

Even though I hurt when I smile
I wonder was it all worthwhile?
I struggle while you're care free
Took advantage of my love, abused me
Took advantage of my love, abused me
Took advantage of my love, abused me
Took advantage of my love, abused me
Took advantage of my love, abused me

My heart grew cold
My heart grew cold
My heart grew cold
My heart grew cold

Everyday is like this
I wake up pissed
Inside I collide
Even though I tried

I suffocate in all the b.s. around me
I suffocate in all the b.s. around me
I suffocate in all the b.s. around me
So less troublesome days make it appear sunny

Everyday is like this
I wake up pissed
Inside I collide
Even though I tried

For what?
-------------------------------------------------------------

Just Saying III
Got used to you being absent from my life
Since the first time we fought about that knife
I would've done time for you, you should've let me
I was only trying to save you, not me
It's hard when you know what could be, but isn't
'Cause you get in your own way, wish you didn't
Haven't been the same since, understatement
Too young to be dealing with displacement
But I smiled as much as my face allowed
Graduated high school, made you proud
At 17 you signed me up for the Marines
Gave up being a civilian for tan & green
Arguing with my inner voice
Didn't want to leave you behind, that was your choice
I knew I didn't want to live in this sense
I meant talking about you in the past tense

Graduated bootcamp, didn't invite
But you showed up anyway, all right
What's wild is he showed up with you
In the moment I was so mad at you
I didn't let you see my frustration
Couldn't seem to escape the situation
You taught me to never stay hit
Then the same man that hit you is the one you kept
But you still wouldn't leave him
Sinking to the bottom, you refused to swim
You pushed me away, I didn't let go
This is the reason we couldn't grow so
You went back home, I started a career
I began to leave it all in the rear
Then you'd call me drunk out the blue
& pull me right back in from a distant view

It took a lot to hide the suppression
Of emotions, dealing with depression
My co-workers saw it, I lacked sleep
They saw the pain I carried ran deep
Marines did me a favor, it was a blessing
Gave me forms for you to relieve the stressing
It would make you my dependent, you'd live with me
Legally, wherever I moved to, it's you & me
Gave you an out & you wouldn't take it
Wouldn't sign, had excuses, threw a fit
You didn't want to leave grandma behind
But she could've come too if you signed
We could've gone to Cali or Japan
Or moved to Hawaii for a tan
Hit reset & live, I was paying
You, grandma, & me, just saying
-------------------------------------------------------------

Rewind (Part 2)
I wish I could take a step back
Hit pause, then rewind, bring it back

Told you on the train I wrote a song for you (Come Home)
I wanted you to know just how I felt
Figured I could use it to break through
Wishing it would make your heart melt
Wanted you to hear it but you ghosted me
Got up from that knee, I was supposed to see
The chick from that song ain't coming home
& that's ok 'cause I continued to roam
I saw it after, I was too eager
Truth is, I ain't come home either
Traveling man, now I understand
Life could throw a curve ball in all you planned
Left the song on the album 'cause I love the song
No dis, but this is what it is, right or wrong
Fun while it lasted but premature, so long
Shouldn't have written that song

I wish I could take a step back
Hit pause, then rewind, bring it back
-------------------------------------------------------------

M.S.V.
So what do you wanna talk about?

Music, sex, video games
Unwilling to sacrifice my vice
Music, sex, video games
I'm unwilling

Let's talk about music, for a while
The business too, it's a lifestyle
Throw something on, vibe 'til it's late
Or better yet, let's create
Pull up a session, start something new
Bring ideas to life, this is what I do
Producer, poet, music geek
Composer, engineer, freak

Music, sex, video games
Unwilling to sacrifice my vice
Music, sex, video games
I'm unwilling

Let's talk about sex, then practice
Come close, don't fight what attracts us
When I get hard & you get wet, let's do it
If not, lube it
I don't mind, get on top
Fast or slow, as long as we both pop (pop)
I want to put it in your butt too
Enjoy your company any time, come through

Music, sex, video games
Unwilling to sacrifice my vice
Music, sex, video games
I'm unwilling

Let's talk about video games
My escape from pain to another plane
I'm the shooter type, PvE
Platform, adventure, RPG
Puzzles, stealth, mystery
Music games, sports, racing, quickly
Let's get this co-op thing popping
Grab your controller & hop in

Sure, we could talk about other things too
But this is who I am & I stay true
Can't run from it or hide it either
I'm so lovesick with it like a fever
Look, I watch shows, big on theology
Travel, culture, astrology
Basketball, soccer, football
But there are 3 things above it all

Music, sex, video games
Unwilling to sacrifice my vice
Music, sex, video games
I'm unwilling
-------------------------------------------------------------

Twice A Day
Rub it down, beat it up
Twice a day, I love to f*ck

See, you know I'm an addict
So you know that I can't quit
I'm pleased that you submit
'Cause I've got to have it
I'll approach from behind
It doesn't matter the time
I dig how you're designed
Get drinks during halftime

Rub it down, beat it up
Twice a day, I love to f*ck

1 hour, 2 hours
3 hours, I'm a devour
Your whole body, don't tease me
Now take it all, carefree
Best part of the day
Is being in you
My sanctuary, let's pray
Prefer 3, I'll settle for 2

Rub it down, beat it up
Twice a day, I love to f*ck

Even if you're only in my mind
You're only in my mind
-------------------------------------------------------------

Don't Love Me
I'm not easy to love
I'm not easy to love
So don't love me
No me ames

I'm no good for you, I'm not your type
I'm different, weird, not the prototype
Keep to myself, not out anymore
I have walls, I've been hurt before
I'm damaged, you're a pearl
We don't live in the same world
You should stay far from me
For your heart's sake, don't love me, 'cause

I'm not easy to love
I'm not easy to love
So don't love me
No me ames

I never want to see you down
'Cause it hurts to see you frown
So it's better if I'm not around
I don't want to see you with these clowns
I need you to be happy
& I know that's not with me
I know you don't agree
But this is the way it has to be, 'cause

I'm not easy to love
I'm not easy to love
So don't love me
No me ames
-------------------------------------------------------------

It Is What It Is
I wish I could make it better
Somehow, bring the family together
But it's impossible, we're too busy
We have our own agendas, I too am guilty
Still you ghost me when I try to get it touch
I wonder why I care so much
So I stay out of sight, out of mind, far
Done acting like we're closer than we are

It is what it is

Been on many roads in life, it's rough
No one can stand before me & say I'm not tough
Met many people, made friends & enemies
Some friends turned to enemies
They chose that for themselves, no help
That's life, some things you can't help
I'm chill, don't look for trouble by default
So if you have a problem with me, it's your fault

It is what it is

I look you right dead in the eye
I'm the guy you see & don't say hi
Walk right past me, like I'm invisible
I'm just a plain dude, forgettable
I speak, you have no response
So why should I care about your feelings & wants?
Don't want to talk to me? save your breathe
You don't really have to die for me to mourn your death

It is what it is
-------------------------------------------------------------

Rewind (Part 3)
I wish I could take a step back
Hit pause, then rewind, bring it back

In my mid-20's, rocked a hat
Lost my hair, I really miss that
Crippling within with no way to heal
It's insane how arthritis feels
Hemorrhoid, like an asteroid
Unemployed, fill the void
Drowning in self-pity, pathetic
High cholesterol, near diabetic
Athlete's foot, crooked toe nail
Depressed as hell, life is stale
Feed the fat, no water weight, cactus
Mole on my head, target practice
I need a do-over, like tonight
Perhaps just a chance to do it right
Fix this worthless sob story
Wish I could go back, be somebody

I wish I could take a step back
Hit pause, then rewind, bring it back
-------------------------------------------------------------

Human: Faith & Religion
We humans are a violent race
It's in our DNA & history we can't erase
Killing in the name of God
To achieve peace, the idea seems so odd
We'd come together for a second then it's over
We'd find something else to fight over
It's written the meek shall inherit earth
So what's the materialistic really worth?

Can't forgive each other or discuss
Differences but expect God to forgive us
First time's on you, release your vice
Don't make the same mistake twice
You can have faith & no religion
My opinion, they don't have the same vision
No blasphemy, just my point of view
I have no religion to convert you to

Your connection with God is your own
But I believe there's more than what's known
Many religions have similar stories
Far & wide, different territories
Same characters, different names
Same actions, different time frames
Earth history claims they never linked up
Some things there just don't add up

Look around the world at ancient sites
We dismiss things in plain sight
Technologies we can't explain, big or small
They weren't primitive at all
Buildings & artifacts we don't understand
Answers still buried in the sand
The beginning stories seem to miss
Where are the dinosaurs in all this?

We try to recreate Egypt in all its glory
But say their faith was just a story
We model our government after Romans
But lack the foresight to see omens
We take philosophy from the Greeks
Math & science but dismiss their beliefs
Because you have your own, no apology
Call yours "the truth" & theirs mythology

We don't have the whole story told
Still uncovering new things of old
Need to put all the pieces together
Don't let our differences add pressure
Reopen the box, take another look
Form a new perspective, update books
Don't get offended, let's begin
Looking for answers, that's just human
-------------------------------------------------------------

Forget
Sleep walking through life
Veins on my knife
As a teen, how come
There wasn't a different outcome
Life was a mistake
This can't be real
Took all I could take
Let's end this ordeal
I wish I could change it
Shake the feeling, make it
Don't want this in my heart
It's tearing it apart
Seen sunshine through closed eyes
Hell while they were open
Distant like I cut ties
All alone, hoping
Just me, no backup
I've been climbing up
To the bottom, no luck
In the sub basement, stuck
Time will dry my tears
But I don't want to wait
Letting go, no fears
I'm nobody, great
No love just stressed
Occasional sex
Use me, get dressed
Then on to the next
Found comfort with me
To please herself
Found comfort too
Most times I did it myself
We think of people gone
Better than they were
So think of a better me beyond
What really occurred
Life is a stone face
A joke with no laughter
Dreams fly & I chase
Each year I get older
Wasted most of it
Can't recoup that back
Close my eyes, that's it
Fade into black
Sometimes it's hard for me
To get out of bed
Never mind, forget me
& everything I said